Happy Valentines Day!
I don’t know about you, but I find Valentine’s Day a horrible exercise in futility. No sooner do I offer what I think is the perfect, passionate gift, than it becomes just another dust collector. As a public service, I offer an easy astrology guide to the love styles of all of the signs of the zodiac. How do we love? Does a heart go pitter pat or kaboom? Should Cupid’s arrow aim at the heart, the stomach or the head? Get a clue and reap the rewards:
ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20)
Aries are the great pioneers when it comes to marking out a territory and conquering it. (Hmmm. Doesn’t that make you feel special?) The secret is, of course, that you have to get them to see you as a country that needs to be conquered. Send up a flare to get their attention and then lie back and let them march through. Watch the cleats...
TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21)
The way to a Bull’s heart is right through the stomach. These sensual folks can be happily seduced with a wonderful meal and a divine bottle of wine served on a fur rug in front of a roaring fire. Rub them on the stomach and tell them how beautiful they are. They will become putty in your hands....
GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)
Twins can be quite romantic, but it tends to be more of a mind game with notes, clues and dirty whispers on the phone. Can you put up with more talk than pure passionate action? Get used to it; It may be the one way to hold these fickle, flirtatious fiends to just one lover. Send them an unsigned valentine and see how crazy they become.
CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23)
Ohh those sensitive souls! Cancers love much too much to be considered sane. The Crab has a hard exterior shell that is difficult to penetrate, but once you do, it reveals a soft, vulnerable, very mushy center inside. The best way to net them is to play the little lost child and allow them to smother you with affection and sweets.
LEO (JULY 24 - AUGUST 23)
Regal Leo Lions are very proud - and why not? They need constant affirmation and always need to be told how absolutely wonderful they are. But when they love, they love BIG and can be wonderfully generous as long as they are in total control and the center of attention. HINT: Compliment them lavishly and let them take you out for a great (expensive) time.
VIRGO (AUGUST 24 - SEPTEMBER 23)
Virgos are clean fanatics so don’t show up all hot and bothered with dirty, smelly underwear; it just won’t stir up the flame of passion. There are, of course those afflicted Virgins who secretly love that dirty, mucky sort of thing but it is against the law of astrological averages. Invite them over to do laundry and watch them kvell.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 24 - OCTOBER 23)
Libras don’t mind an argument as long as both sides can kiss and make up when it’s all over. If you go just a little crazy when the scales fail to tip decidedly in your direction, don’t panic. They are romantics and love to be in the center of all the action. Tell these diplomats of the zodiac how charming, attractive and delightful they are. You won’t be able to get rid of them!
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 22)
Sex, sex and more sex. Guess who is motivated by the intense passionate power play of it all? If you didn’t already know, Scorpios are exactly why satin sheets and leather straps were invented! It is not a bad thing to play a bit of a mind game with them if you are prepared for the volcanic finish. These folks take no prisoners and refuse to share. Good thing too!
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 23 - DECEMBER 22)
Give the Archer their freedom and they will not stray far for long. Entice them with faraway travel and exotic treats. Speak to them in a foreign language (preferable french...) and rub their thighs with hot oil. If that doesn’t work, give them a kick in the patoot and wait until they come crawling back to you. Don’t be surprised if they trip over the coffee table as they bear hug you.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 23 - JANUARY 20)
Capricorns measure their own worth by society’s yardsticks. If you find them more than just a little restrained and conventional, give them the benefit of the doubt and blame it on their neurotic astrological karma. They need to feel important so build them up and give them a jolt of confidence. Listen to their advice and make them believe you will follow it. They will love you for it.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 21 - FEBRUARY 19)
It may seem that ice water runs through the veins of these cool and calculating people but it’s not really true. They are simply impassioned by humanity in general and not someone in particular. Reach Aquarians through their sense of duty. Let them take the reins of your favorite charity and work together to make the world a better place.... or at least a more loving place.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 20 - MARCH 20)
They not only get their kicks from champagne, they can become downright addicted to love! Mystical and psychic Pisces need all the help they can get to focus their attention and effort on the right lover. If you are such a person, romance them and let them use you as they will. Fish are water signs. Try a scented oil bubble bath to win them over and over and over.
Gain intimate insight before you get between the sheets by reading: Sextrology: The Astrology of Sex and the Sexes
Here's a book to keep by your bedside for ready reference: Linda Goodman's Love Signs: A New Approach to the Human Heart
When you're ready to start planning your wedding you'll want to read: Star Guide to Weddings: Your Horoscope for Living Happily Ever After