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Love

Tiger Woods and the Sad "Marital Sex Was Bad" Excuse

Dr. B (M.D.) and guest blogger Dr. E (Ph.D)

041203_woods_vmed_7a_widec  Tiger Woods, who started to play golf at age 2 and appeared on ABC's "That's Incredible" at age 5, has achieved one of the greatest sustained periods of dominance in the history of men's golf.  He plays in fewer tournaments than most professional golfers, but when he does play, according to the findings of Jennifer Brown of the University of California, other golfers play worse than when he is not in the tournament.

His ethnic diversity (Tai,Chinese, African American, Dutch and American) and physical grace make him attractive and exotic and add to his appeal.  His measured, cautious and carefully controlled demeanor help him project an image of an elegant, reliable, cool, masculine, disciplined and trustworthy man.

Now his wife, the mother of his two children, along with the rest of the world, knows that what we all see is not what we get.  Tiger, like many married men, we now know is a womanizer, with one of his extramarital women saying that Tiger likes it rough by dominating her, spanking her and pulling her hair.  Others now argue that Tiger was unsatisfied with marital sex, an excuse many married men use, and that's why he went elsewhere for sex.

Tiger and his wife apparently find it easier to discuss money than their relationship (the elaborate prenuptial agreement and the alleged financial deal for her to stay married), and that makes us wonder why married men and women can't discuss sex.  Why do so many of them seem unable to tell each other what they need and want from sex?

In the movie "Analyze This," Robert DeNiro, a Mafia boss, has a beautiful wife and a mistress.  The psychiatrist, Billy Crystal, asks him why he can't make passionate love with his wife.  DeNiro, looking incredulously at Crystal, replies,"You mean doing IT with the mother of my children?"

How ironic that husbands love their wives, put them on a pedestal, and respect them as the mothers of their children so much that their wives become untouchable!  And wives may feel that since their husbands think of them as saintly, they have to inhibit their sexuality or their husbands won't love them as much.  Instead of talking about it and getting help if needed, husbands leave their wives sexually frustrated and unsatisfied, go off and have sex with women they have no attachment to or respect for, and when caught, rationalize that they went elsewhere for sex because they couldn't get it at home.  Extramarital affairs are free of the complexities of marriage, and men prefer things simple.

Ordinary men may not have the women groupies who surround famous athletes and entertainers, and they don't get to travel, making affairs easier, the way Tiger Woods does.  And they certainly don't have the resources to wine, dine and hide their extramarital women.

More important for all married couples is to examine why deeply loving someone may result in unfulfilling sex.  When did pure love mean love without passionate sex?  At one time pure love was a prerequisite for great sex. 

We're Drs. B and E.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Passionate Marriage:Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

Dr. Ruth's Top Ten Secrets for Great Sex:How to Enjoy It, Share It, and Love It Each and Every Time 

Till Sex Do Us Part:Make Your Married Sex Irresistible 

Systemic Sex Therapy 

Is That All He Thinks About?:How to Enjoy Great Sex With Your Husband 

Getting the Sex You Want:Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together  


When Patients and Therapists Are Intimate

Dr_%20Cannon%20Women-TherapistIn Lying on the Couch, psychiatrist Irvin D. Yalom describes several scenarios in which male therapists have sexual involvement with their female patients.  The majority of patients in therapy are female, often relatively young and often struggling with issues of self-worth and entitlement.  By definition, a patient brings into therapy weakness, confusion and the need for guidance; she is in a vulnerable position regardless of her attractiveness or success.

Any time a therapist engages in sexual activity with a patient it is wrong and unethical.  Every female patient has fantasies about her male therapist knowing all the answers, being able to save her and then deliver her into a happy future.   Every female patient in intense individual therapy with a male therapist is overtly or covertly seductive towards her male therapist.  The therapist must analyze and understand the process so as not to get sucked into, and indulge, the female patient's unquestioning adoration, regardless of the degree of adoration.

If the female patient gets involved with a manipulative, narcissistic, self-indulgent male therapist, on the other hand, the patient may feel responsible since she desired him, maybe had sexual dreams about him, flirted with him, and wanted his approval and admiration.  At the same time, she also may be flattered and incredulous that someone knowing her as well as the therapist, including her most shameful secrets and weaknesses, can find her attractive and desirable.

When roles are reversed, however, female therapists in the authority position are less likely to find a male patient's neediness sexually arousing.  And many men, including male patients, often find women in authority positions too intimidating to be sexually aroused by them.

Of course, there are deeply controlling, predatory, even sadistic women, who, as therapists, may enjoy, and be sexually aroused by, their extraordinary power over the man and indulge their sexual appetites, but these instances are relatively rare. 

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Lying on the Couch

The Impossibility of Sex:Stories of Intimate Relationships Between Therapist and Patient 

Therapy:Intimacy Between Strangers 

Therapists Who have Sex With Their Patients:Treatment and Recovery 

Seduced by Madness:The True Story of the Susan Polk Murder Case

What Therapists Don't Talk About and Why:Understanding Taboos That Hurt Us and Our Clients 

Touch in Psychotherapy:Theory, Research, and Practice

  


Promiscuity and Young People

Promiscuous140806_228x357  When young people are promiscuous, there are consequences.  Young men are hot, in their sexual prime with raging hormones.  They are too often ready for sexual encounters, and these days there is no shortage of willing participants.  As a result, even in the best colleges, a very high percentage of 18-22 year olds test positive for human papilloma virus (HPV). For women, the consequences of HPV can be severe, varying from the inability to become pregnant later to developing cervical cancer.  Although there is a new new vaccine designed to prevent HPV, it is not 100% effective, and there are reports of severe illness occurring in some people after receiving the vaccination.

Why, then, do most girls -- especially those who believe they are in a monogomous relationship -- not insist that their partner use condoms?  Perhaps it is because women tend to project onto men their own way of looking at things and their own values.  Young women often believe what they want to believe, in spite of evidence to the contrary.  And women's desire to please, and their submissive nature, are also factors.  

Women do not realize that originally men were not made to be faithful, because men's progeny had the best chance of survival if their sperm was spread far and wide.  The fact that our culture now has different  requirments and values has not changed men's original genetic imprint.  Unfortunately, therefore, young men, when mature enough and ready to love and cherish one woman, will pass on to her the unwanted consequences of their promiscuous youth.

We like to insist that men and women are the same, but insisting does not make it true.  We are very different indeed, and yet there is beauty and challenge and potential for growth in our meetiing and coming together. 

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Laid:Young People's Experiences With Sex in an Easy-Access Culture 

Promiscuous Teen:Cause for Concern 

Sex and the Soul of a Woman:The Reality of Love & Romance in an Age of Casual Sex  


Gullible Women and Romance

1800234527p Recently five HIV positive women appeared on "Oprah" allegedly to raise awareness regarding HIV infections.  All five women became infected from the same man whom they believed to be their exclusive boyfriend.  In fact, he was dating all of them simultaneously over a fairly long period of time, and there were four more women who contracted HIV from him but chose not to appear publicly.

All of the women were in their 40's and 50's, newly divorced with grown children, and had successful careers.  These women, who showed maturity in so many areas of their lives, were so easily fooled by a promise of romance and true love that they dispensed with their good judgment and perception of reality.  How could they have been fooled by a smooth talking Frenchman, and how could they have bought his excuses regarding his absences and inability to be with them at their times of need?

Well, he was described by the women as courtly, charming, attentive, polite -- a man who opens the door for you.  Since he was broke, he had very little to offer besides his charm and limited forays into sexual encounters, with limited attention before and after.   And perhaps being middle-aged and acutely aware of their passing youth, the women desperately wanted to play, to love and to catch the last possibility of youthful abandonment while physically attractive and able.

Sadly, too many women make their decisions based on their wishes and beliefs, disregarding all logic and hard evidence; too many women are easily manipulated into feeling guilty or are intimidated by being told they are not daring enough; and too many women still think they have to prove they are nice, giving and trusting -- even risking their health and lives just to show their partner how steadfast they are.

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Average Jane Seeking An Average Joe

Women Who Love Too Much 

Smart Women/Foolish Choices:Finding the Right Man Avoiding the Wrong Ones  


Alzheimer's:Blessing in Disguise?

Dr. E (Ph.D.) Speaks Out:Guest Blogger

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While watching Sargent Shriver, who has Alzheimer's Disease, wave goodbye at his wife's (Eunice Kennedy Shriver) funeral several weeks ago, and having recently placed a relative with age-related memory loss in a long term care facility,  I had some thoughts. 

Of course, every Baby Boomer in America wants there to be a prevention and cure ASAP for Alzheimer's and other age-related dementias and memory loss conditions, and that would be great, no doubt about it!  But if not, could it be that these conditions are Nature's way of helping us face old age and death?   Might Alzheimer's be a blessing in disguise?

For elderly people with Alzheimer's, they may not know what or who they don't remember, so maybe their condition is not upsetting to them.  Perhaps Sargent Shriver was told he was there to say goodbye to his wife, but since he may not remember her or their long life together, he did what a child does when told to say goodbye.  He smiled and waved, like a child at a parade as people march by, rather than feel the unbearable pain of his terrible loss. 

And since elderly people with Alzheimer's may not remember they are old or perhaps even know any longer what death is, how can they be depressed about it or fear it?   Ignorance is bliss, in a way, isn't it?

It is hard on family and friends who miss the person who used to be, for sure, and who fear ever being like the person with memory loss.  But maybe the fear is not necessary.

Now, mind you, I am talking about these dementias in only elderly people, not early onset memory loss, which is a real tragedy with no upside at all.  But otherwise, let's work towards prevention and a cure, but not worry too much if that doesn't happen.  And if there is a prevention and cure, we will have to find another way besides Alzheimer's to cope with old age and death.

I'm Dr. E., Guest Blogger.

For more on the subject, check out the following:

Alzheimer's From the Inside Out

The Myth of Alzheimer's:What You Aren't Being Told About Today's Most Dreaded Diagnosis 

Alzheimer's:A Caretaker's Journal

Alzheimer's Disease and Other Dementias:A Practical Guide  


Being in a Relationship With Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder!

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Every romantic relationship requires some kind of give and take.  If both people are narcissistic and totally self-absorbed and not giving, a good relationship cannot develop.  There may be just a brief physical affair that dissolves quickly.  In good relationships, giving and sharing is reciprocal and equal.

While Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more often diagnosed in men than in women, women are not always just victims of being involved with or married to  a self-centered, not empathetic, and un- giving person.  Sometimes men find themselves in relationships with, or married to, women with these same characteristics. 

What kind of person, male or female, ends up with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?  People who are unsuspecting because of their youth, are naive, are inexperienced or are innately masochistic might be drawn to narcissists, who are self-serving, want to be admired, want to be idealized, and want to be served by unsuspecting victims.  The masochistic victim deep down does not know what he/she deserves. He/she will put up with neglect and humiliation while wondering what they are doing wrong and unable to reach or be understood by their partner or to be loved.

If one person in a relationship has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the other person will be frustrated forever trying to reach them and pleading with them for closeness but ending up with just annoying them.  You cannot draw blood from a stone, and narcissistic people are like stone.  Stones do not give love, empathy of fulfillment of another human being's emotional needs. 

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissistic Lovers:How to Cope, Recover and Move On 

Why Is It Always About You:The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism 

When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong:A Survivor's Guide to Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life 

Help!I'm in Love With a Narcissist



What Was David Letterman Thinking!

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Talk show host, David Letterman, a high-profile person, after being threatened with blackmail admitted to having numerous sexual liaisons with women who work for him.  Whether he was legally married at the time we do not know, but he was certainly in a long-term relationship with the woman to whom he is now married and with whom he has a 6-year-old son.

One would think that men, especially successful ones, would be more diligent about controlling their libido, but men's appetite for exciting, new, extramarital sex will not abate.  When Bill Clinton was asked why he got involved with Monica Lewinsky, he stated simply, "Because I could."  His and Letterman's success and power, and that of men like them, attract ambitious women who can bask in the men's power, can be wined and dined, mentored and promoted.

Young, single women and powerful married men usually deserve one another.  Problems arise when one of them feels she/he didn't get what they bargained for, and the games involving body and greed may lead to a broken heart or wounded pride.

Then things can turn ugly -- going public, blackmail, extortion, or even violence.  And do not forget potential problems at home -- a vengeful spouse, depressed children, an expensive/acrimonious  divorce, and loss of job, property and finances.   Overall, a nasty disruption in life's routine -- from easy coasting along in the pleasant waters of privilege and indiscretions to catastrophe.

This may be the price one pays for playing with fire.  Was it worth it for Letterman and other men like him?  

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more on this, click on the following resources:

Intimacy:An International Survey of the Sex Lives of People at Work

9-5 Sex, Lust,Lives Destroyed:What Happens When Sex Blossoms in the Workplace 

Dirty Little Secrets:Sex and the Workplace 

Sex and Business:Ethics of Sexuality in Business and the Workplace 

Sex at Work:Attraction,Harassment,Flirtation and Discrimination  


The Future for Jaycee Dugard and Her Daughters

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People are wondering what the future holds for Jaycee Dugard, kidnapped by a stranger and held captive for 18 years, and her two children (fathered by her captor).  We have very few examples from which we have learned enough to make a fully informed prediction.

What we do know is that sexually abused children are damaged, and they usually show it.  They are withdrawn, preoccupied, depressed, perform poorly in school and have few friends.  First hand reports from people who knew Jaycee and her children, and from an aunt with whom she has recently been reunited, however, did not and do not now see these symptoms in Jaycee or her children.  Perhaps, having been raised until she was 11 by a loving mother and stepfather, Jaycee already had developed a solid core when she was kidnapped.  At 11, she was still a pliable child but she was able to distinguish real from unreal.  And, the perpetrator does not seem to have severely beaten her or her children over the years. 

In medical school years ago, students were taught that the brain was fully developed by age 5.  Now we know that we develop the ability to think abstractly at around age 13, and that there is a surge of brain growth in adolescence.  At the same time, the areas of the brain that are crucial for the formation of successful interpersonal relationships and problem solving are also rapidly developing.  Severe and complex traumatic events, abuse, and severe neglect may result in an inability to regulate emotions, in errratic and unpredictable behaviors, in impaired cognition and even in an inability to form a solid identity.

Jaycee, and especially her children, who were never socialized, may suffer from these deficiencies.  We do no know how much can be repaired or at least patched up enough so that they do not spend the rest of their lives in the throes of ever present anxiety and despair.

I'm Dr. Blokar. 

To learn more about stages of child development, click  on the following:

Child Development and Education

Your Child's Growing Mind:Brain Development and Learning From Birth To Adolescence 

Observing and Understanding Child Development

Guiding Children's Social Development and Learning  


Why Women Love Narcissistic Men

Narcissist(lg) Why do nice women fall for narcissistic men?  For starters, narcissistic men often pay more attention to their appearance than men in general.  In addition, these men are often very charming and ingratiating.   These skills are necessary in order for them to get their needed attention and admiration and to manipulate others.  But with the narcissist, what you see is not what you eventually get.   

When a woman is in the first stage of falling in love with a narcissist, he may seem quite wonderful, basking in her admiration.  At the beginning, the woman often does not notice or acknowledge that the narcissist does not understand or tolerate things that she cares about if they do not interest him.  Problems start when the woman expresses her own needs and places some expectations or demands on him.

When a narcissist perceives a woman as disrespectful or not admiring enough, his response may be rage.  He feels the woman has discovered the truth about him, and that she has discovered that he is an empty suit, no matter how charming and superficially impressive he seems.  He feels the woman betrayed him and was not supposed to pry and expose him. He knows how vulnerable his core is and he resents the woman for finding it.

People with narcissistic personality disorder display inflexibilty and rigidity.  They have flawed character structures that cannot be changed, so women who think they can change a narcissistic man, or who blames herself for the problems in the relationship, are making a mistake.

While a narcissistic men may make good dates, they do not make good husbands.  And they can be lots of trouble in divorce.  Remember, you never want to marry a man you would not want to be divorced from.

I'm Dr. Blokar.

Here are some resources for you to check out:

Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist

When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself 

Narcissistic Lovers:How to Cope,Recover and Move On 

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists 

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life  


Narcissists:Their Work and Relationships

Narcissist It is not self- love that drives a narcissist.  As I said in my "Introduction to Narcissism" blog, narcissists suffer from a wounded sense of self. They have an insatiable need to be admired and will use everything and everyone to obtain fulfillment and soothe their wounded sense of self.  Feeling they are entitled to life's bounty and trying to feel good about themselves, they keep seeking new conquests, public admiration and beautiful lovers.

People who truly love themselves, on the other hand, are capable of loving others, too.  They have an emotional richness within that they are able to share freely and comfortably.

Alex graduated from a prestigious drama school and married the prettiest girl on campus.  She took whatever jobs were available while he pursued his writing career.  His plays were difficult to understand  and exhibitionist, with too much knowledge included just for the sake of exhibiting his knowledge.  A responsible man assesses his abilities realistically, regardless of his aspirations, and pursues a career that sustains him and his family.  To a narcissist, however, a regular job is beneath him.  He feels entitled to favorable treatment and believes that his talents and superiority, lack of evidence notwithstanding, should be waited on and supported by a boss, woman, lover or family member.

Eventually, when Alex's marriage dissolved, he fought for ownership of the house that was bought with his wife's money.  It did not matter to him that since he was the one leaving, and since she bought the house, it should belong to her.  He felt entitled to this house, regardless of his lack of contribution. 

It is no surprise, given what I've said about narcissists, that Alex had a string of relationships with women who loved him madly.  One woman took him on expensive trips, and another bought him expensive gifts.  Next there was a successful business woman, and then a succesful writer.  Currently, he is with an ultra rich woman.

While Alex, like many narcissists, may not start out with the conscious intention of exploiting women, he will do that eventually because he cannot recognize or identify with the feelings or needs of others, and because he feels that good things are owed to him.

I'm Dr. Blokar.

Check out the foloowing books:

Malignant Self Love:Narcissism Revisited

I Need Your Love-Is That True? 

Smile Across Your Heart:The Process of Building Self Love