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Marriage

Tiger Woods and the Sad "Marital Sex Was Bad" Excuse

Dr. B (M.D.) and guest blogger Dr. E (Ph.D)

041203_woods_vmed_7a_widec  Tiger Woods, who started to play golf at age 2 and appeared on ABC's "That's Incredible" at age 5, has achieved one of the greatest sustained periods of dominance in the history of men's golf.  He plays in fewer tournaments than most professional golfers, but when he does play, according to the findings of Jennifer Brown of the University of California, other golfers play worse than when he is not in the tournament.

His ethnic diversity (Tai,Chinese, African American, Dutch and American) and physical grace make him attractive and exotic and add to his appeal.  His measured, cautious and carefully controlled demeanor help him project an image of an elegant, reliable, cool, masculine, disciplined and trustworthy man.

Now his wife, the mother of his two children, along with the rest of the world, knows that what we all see is not what we get.  Tiger, like many married men, we now know is a womanizer, with one of his extramarital women saying that Tiger likes it rough by dominating her, spanking her and pulling her hair.  Others now argue that Tiger was unsatisfied with marital sex, an excuse many married men use, and that's why he went elsewhere for sex.

Tiger and his wife apparently find it easier to discuss money than their relationship (the elaborate prenuptial agreement and the alleged financial deal for her to stay married), and that makes us wonder why married men and women can't discuss sex.  Why do so many of them seem unable to tell each other what they need and want from sex?

In the movie "Analyze This," Robert DeNiro, a Mafia boss, has a beautiful wife and a mistress.  The psychiatrist, Billy Crystal, asks him why he can't make passionate love with his wife.  DeNiro, looking incredulously at Crystal, replies,"You mean doing IT with the mother of my children?"

How ironic that husbands love their wives, put them on a pedestal, and respect them as the mothers of their children so much that their wives become untouchable!  And wives may feel that since their husbands think of them as saintly, they have to inhibit their sexuality or their husbands won't love them as much.  Instead of talking about it and getting help if needed, husbands leave their wives sexually frustrated and unsatisfied, go off and have sex with women they have no attachment to or respect for, and when caught, rationalize that they went elsewhere for sex because they couldn't get it at home.  Extramarital affairs are free of the complexities of marriage, and men prefer things simple.

Ordinary men may not have the women groupies who surround famous athletes and entertainers, and they don't get to travel, making affairs easier, the way Tiger Woods does.  And they certainly don't have the resources to wine, dine and hide their extramarital women.

More important for all married couples is to examine why deeply loving someone may result in unfulfilling sex.  When did pure love mean love without passionate sex?  At one time pure love was a prerequisite for great sex. 

We're Drs. B and E.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Passionate Marriage:Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

Dr. Ruth's Top Ten Secrets for Great Sex:How to Enjoy It, Share It, and Love It Each and Every Time 

Till Sex Do Us Part:Make Your Married Sex Irresistible 

Systemic Sex Therapy 

Is That All He Thinks About?:How to Enjoy Great Sex With Your Husband 

Getting the Sex You Want:Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together  


Alzheimer's:Blessing in Disguise?

Dr. E (Ph.D.) Speaks Out:Guest Blogger

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While watching Sargent Shriver, who has Alzheimer's Disease, wave goodbye at his wife's (Eunice Kennedy Shriver) funeral several weeks ago, and having recently placed a relative with age-related memory loss in a long term care facility,  I had some thoughts. 

Of course, every Baby Boomer in America wants there to be a prevention and cure ASAP for Alzheimer's and other age-related dementias and memory loss conditions, and that would be great, no doubt about it!  But if not, could it be that these conditions are Nature's way of helping us face old age and death?   Might Alzheimer's be a blessing in disguise?

For elderly people with Alzheimer's, they may not know what or who they don't remember, so maybe their condition is not upsetting to them.  Perhaps Sargent Shriver was told he was there to say goodbye to his wife, but since he may not remember her or their long life together, he did what a child does when told to say goodbye.  He smiled and waved, like a child at a parade as people march by, rather than feel the unbearable pain of his terrible loss. 

And since elderly people with Alzheimer's may not remember they are old or perhaps even know any longer what death is, how can they be depressed about it or fear it?   Ignorance is bliss, in a way, isn't it?

It is hard on family and friends who miss the person who used to be, for sure, and who fear ever being like the person with memory loss.  But maybe the fear is not necessary.

Now, mind you, I am talking about these dementias in only elderly people, not early onset memory loss, which is a real tragedy with no upside at all.  But otherwise, let's work towards prevention and a cure, but not worry too much if that doesn't happen.  And if there is a prevention and cure, we will have to find another way besides Alzheimer's to cope with old age and death.

I'm Dr. E., Guest Blogger.

For more on the subject, check out the following:

Alzheimer's From the Inside Out

The Myth of Alzheimer's:What You Aren't Being Told About Today's Most Dreaded Diagnosis 

Alzheimer's:A Caretaker's Journal

Alzheimer's Disease and Other Dementias:A Practical Guide  


Being in a Relationship With Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder!

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Every romantic relationship requires some kind of give and take.  If both people are narcissistic and totally self-absorbed and not giving, a good relationship cannot develop.  There may be just a brief physical affair that dissolves quickly.  In good relationships, giving and sharing is reciprocal and equal.

While Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more often diagnosed in men than in women, women are not always just victims of being involved with or married to  a self-centered, not empathetic, and un- giving person.  Sometimes men find themselves in relationships with, or married to, women with these same characteristics. 

What kind of person, male or female, ends up with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?  People who are unsuspecting because of their youth, are naive, are inexperienced or are innately masochistic might be drawn to narcissists, who are self-serving, want to be admired, want to be idealized, and want to be served by unsuspecting victims.  The masochistic victim deep down does not know what he/she deserves. He/she will put up with neglect and humiliation while wondering what they are doing wrong and unable to reach or be understood by their partner or to be loved.

If one person in a relationship has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the other person will be frustrated forever trying to reach them and pleading with them for closeness but ending up with just annoying them.  You cannot draw blood from a stone, and narcissistic people are like stone.  Stones do not give love, empathy of fulfillment of another human being's emotional needs. 

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more information, click on the following resources:

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissistic Lovers:How to Cope, Recover and Move On 

Why Is It Always About You:The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism 

When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong:A Survivor's Guide to Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life 

Help!I'm in Love With a Narcissist



What Was David Letterman Thinking!

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Talk show host, David Letterman, a high-profile person, after being threatened with blackmail admitted to having numerous sexual liaisons with women who work for him.  Whether he was legally married at the time we do not know, but he was certainly in a long-term relationship with the woman to whom he is now married and with whom he has a 6-year-old son.

One would think that men, especially successful ones, would be more diligent about controlling their libido, but men's appetite for exciting, new, extramarital sex will not abate.  When Bill Clinton was asked why he got involved with Monica Lewinsky, he stated simply, "Because I could."  His and Letterman's success and power, and that of men like them, attract ambitious women who can bask in the men's power, can be wined and dined, mentored and promoted.

Young, single women and powerful married men usually deserve one another.  Problems arise when one of them feels she/he didn't get what they bargained for, and the games involving body and greed may lead to a broken heart or wounded pride.

Then things can turn ugly -- going public, blackmail, extortion, or even violence.  And do not forget potential problems at home -- a vengeful spouse, depressed children, an expensive/acrimonious  divorce, and loss of job, property and finances.   Overall, a nasty disruption in life's routine -- from easy coasting along in the pleasant waters of privilege and indiscretions to catastrophe.

This may be the price one pays for playing with fire.  Was it worth it for Letterman and other men like him?  

I'm Dr. Blokar.  For more on this, click on the following resources:

Intimacy:An International Survey of the Sex Lives of People at Work

9-5 Sex, Lust,Lives Destroyed:What Happens When Sex Blossoms in the Workplace 

Dirty Little Secrets:Sex and the Workplace 

Sex and Business:Ethics of Sexuality in Business and the Workplace 

Sex at Work:Attraction,Harassment,Flirtation and Discrimination  


Why Women Love Narcissistic Men

Narcissist(lg) Why do nice women fall for narcissistic men?  For starters, narcissistic men often pay more attention to their appearance than men in general.  In addition, these men are often very charming and ingratiating.   These skills are necessary in order for them to get their needed attention and admiration and to manipulate others.  But with the narcissist, what you see is not what you eventually get.   

When a woman is in the first stage of falling in love with a narcissist, he may seem quite wonderful, basking in her admiration.  At the beginning, the woman often does not notice or acknowledge that the narcissist does not understand or tolerate things that she cares about if they do not interest him.  Problems start when the woman expresses her own needs and places some expectations or demands on him.

When a narcissist perceives a woman as disrespectful or not admiring enough, his response may be rage.  He feels the woman has discovered the truth about him, and that she has discovered that he is an empty suit, no matter how charming and superficially impressive he seems.  He feels the woman betrayed him and was not supposed to pry and expose him. He knows how vulnerable his core is and he resents the woman for finding it.

People with narcissistic personality disorder display inflexibilty and rigidity.  They have flawed character structures that cannot be changed, so women who think they can change a narcissistic man, or who blames herself for the problems in the relationship, are making a mistake.

While a narcissistic men may make good dates, they do not make good husbands.  And they can be lots of trouble in divorce.  Remember, you never want to marry a man you would not want to be divorced from.

I'm Dr. Blokar.

Here are some resources for you to check out:

Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist

When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself 

Narcissistic Lovers:How to Cope,Recover and Move On 

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists 

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life  


Narcissists:Their Work and Relationships

Narcissist It is not self- love that drives a narcissist.  As I said in my "Introduction to Narcissism" blog, narcissists suffer from a wounded sense of self. They have an insatiable need to be admired and will use everything and everyone to obtain fulfillment and soothe their wounded sense of self.  Feeling they are entitled to life's bounty and trying to feel good about themselves, they keep seeking new conquests, public admiration and beautiful lovers.

People who truly love themselves, on the other hand, are capable of loving others, too.  They have an emotional richness within that they are able to share freely and comfortably.

Alex graduated from a prestigious drama school and married the prettiest girl on campus.  She took whatever jobs were available while he pursued his writing career.  His plays were difficult to understand  and exhibitionist, with too much knowledge included just for the sake of exhibiting his knowledge.  A responsible man assesses his abilities realistically, regardless of his aspirations, and pursues a career that sustains him and his family.  To a narcissist, however, a regular job is beneath him.  He feels entitled to favorable treatment and believes that his talents and superiority, lack of evidence notwithstanding, should be waited on and supported by a boss, woman, lover or family member.

Eventually, when Alex's marriage dissolved, he fought for ownership of the house that was bought with his wife's money.  It did not matter to him that since he was the one leaving, and since she bought the house, it should belong to her.  He felt entitled to this house, regardless of his lack of contribution. 

It is no surprise, given what I've said about narcissists, that Alex had a string of relationships with women who loved him madly.  One woman took him on expensive trips, and another bought him expensive gifts.  Next there was a successful business woman, and then a succesful writer.  Currently, he is with an ultra rich woman.

While Alex, like many narcissists, may not start out with the conscious intention of exploiting women, he will do that eventually because he cannot recognize or identify with the feelings or needs of others, and because he feels that good things are owed to him.

I'm Dr. Blokar.

Check out the foloowing books:

Malignant Self Love:Narcissism Revisited

I Need Your Love-Is That True? 

Smile Across Your Heart:The Process of Building Self Love  


Sex and Power - John Edwards's Infidelity

John Edwards's infidelity was and is more upsetting to people than, say, that of Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer.  The one request Elizabeth Edwards asked of John when they married was that he be faithful. His failure has been devastating to her. She was asked if she still loved her husband and she responded that that was a complicated answer. Extra marital affairs can change the dynamics forever in even what appears to be the most solid of marriages.

Dr. B looks at the reason for this.   


Elizabeth Edwards just wrote a book about her experiences and feelings called Resilience. It is a moving and thoughtful book.

Here are other excellent and recommended books on the subject of infidelity:

Ulitmate Betrayal, When Good People Have Affairs, Infidelity: Discovery to Recovery,The Truth About Cheating and Sex and Power: Defining History...