What Makes the Yuletide Gay?

What's not to love about Christmas, especially if you're a gay man?  Tinsel, ribbons and Garland - specifically, Judy's 1963 Christmas show!  And when we watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer who didn't feel a connection with Herbie the Elf and the toys found on the Island of Misfit Toys?  Then there's the beloved Christmas carol, Deck the Halls.  Not only does it have the fabulous line, "Don we now our gay apparel", but a chorus of "fa la la la la, la la la la" to boot!  Besides that song, we also embrace Christmas music in general, especially if it's sung by the Carpenters or Julie Andrews.  And who can forget the Salsoul Orchestra's classic Christmas Jollies album?

 

However, I must admit there is one aspect of Christmas I don't embrace, and that is wrapping presents.  Although I love beautiful wrapping paper, I've never developed a flair for transforming a package into a work of art - and I have no patience whatsoever when it comes to ribbons and bows.  (I'm more of a brown paper packages tied up with string kind of guy.)  I guess when they were handing out the Martha Stewart gene I must have been in the line for liking baseball.  But let's not dwell on "bah humbug".  Rather, with dreams of sugar plums dancing in my head, here's a ZeitGAYst toast to the Christmas season ....

 

 

• From the movie White Christmas (not to be confused with Holiday Inn), the wonderful number "Sisters" was performed by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen and then, hilariously, by Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye ...

 

 

• A "Glee"-ful Christmas.  And who can forget Kurt and Blake's spicy duet of Baby It's Cold Outside from the show's 2010 Christmas episode?

 

 

• Here's some gay apparel ...

 

 

• Tzabaco was one of a number of catalogs in the early to mid 1990s that was targeted to gay and lesbian shoppers (Shocking Gray was another).  Alas, it didn't survive more than a few years. 

 

 

• Hats and underwear count as apparel ... 

 

 

• With names like Dancer & Prancer, can two of Santa's reindeer be anything but gay?

 

 

 

• Although not a movie, per se, about Christmas, a key scene early in John Waters' Female Trouble takes place on Christmas morning when rebellious high school student Dawn Davenport (played by Divine) goes ballistic on her parents when she doesn't get the "Cha-Cha heels" she so covets.

 

 

 

• And finally, holiday cards from dear, dear friends ... 

 

 

May all of your Christmases be pink ...

 

Here are a few other posts I've written with a Christmas theme:

Jingle Bells or Jingle Balls?

Bette Midler Stars in Holiday Commercial for Honda

Martha Stewart's First Christmas Special

Christmas Ads That Spread Holiday Cheer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jingle Bells" or "Jingle Balls"? Kmart Decks the Halls with Charmingly Risque TV Ad

Now this is some "ballsy" advertising!  Kmart recently unveiled a holiday ad for the 2013 season for its Joe Boxer line of men's boxer shorts (titled "Show Your Joe").  In it six studly bell-ringers go from ringing traditional bells to shaking their balls while showing off their boxers in a quasi Chippendale's production.  Although risque, it's also charming, and Kmart maintained some dignity as the bell ringers kept their tuxedo jackets on throughout.  Gay apparel indeed - and a delightful ad you don't want to fast-forward through!  Double cllick here to view it.

 

Here are a few other holiday-themed posts you may enjoy:

A Salute to Ads that Spread Holiday Cheer 

Bette Midler Spreads Holiday Cheer in Honda Ad

Martha Stewart's First Christmas Special Airs 

 

 

A Salute to Rainbow Twizzlers - The Gayest Candy of Them All?

Although I've had them on a number of occasions, it wasn't until recently that it dawned on me that multi-hued Twizzlers corresponded closely to the colors of the Gay Pride rainbow flag.  And after doing research on the topic of candy, I came to the conclusion that this line extension of Twizzlers licorice makes it the most gay-friendly candy on the market.  (I also learned that a "twizzler" is an urban term for a homosexual.)  Although they've been sold for a number of years, rainbow Twizzlers have somehow managed to escape the wrath of anti-gay groups.

And here are the other contenders for the "Gay-Friendly" title:

 

• Good & Fruity - Like rainbow colored Twizzlers, another line extension, this one of Good'n Plenty.  Its name and hot pink-colored box make it a no-brainer.

 

 

• Pixie Sticks - It goes without saying, doesn't it?  Lik-A-Maid falls into the same category, i.e. "tongue candies".  Perhaps in an attempt to de-sexualize it, the candy has been renamed Lik-M-Maid.

 

 

• Long Boys - Need I explain?

 

 

• Whoppers - What else could it be referring to?  "Low Hangers" was another possible brand name, but it didn't test as well with consumers.

 

 

• Ike & Mike - There's no truth to the rumor that the candy was originally called Bruce & Jason.

 

 

 

• Candy Necklaces/Buttons - With our innate sense of fashion, many of us were no doubt drawn to this confection as children.

 

  

 

• Big Hunk - Despite its name it isn't a steroid-infused chocolate bar.  Rather, it's roasted peanuts covered in honey-sweetened nougat.

• And we finish with Nips. I think the following product description from the brand's website perfectly captures how enticing nips can be:  

For people who need a break from life's little irritations, NIPS® is the rich and creamy hard candy that provides a soothing diversion. Each NIPS candy has its own distinct and truly satisfying flavor. This hard candy is known for its smooth, creamy texture and bite-size eat with an unmistakable hint or "nip" of flavor – hence the name "NIPS".

 

 

There it is, an ode to the nipple.  A soothing "diversion" indeed.

 

A Gay Laff Riot - Funny, Campy Postcards

If you're undecided about whether someone is gay, show them the following cards and if they don't crack a smile, you have your answer.

 

When I moved to New York in 1979 there was a card store on Christopher St. called Greetings and it was chockablock with campy, irreverent cards.  This one here was one of the best.  34 years later it still makes me chortle with delight.

 

 

40 years after the publication of Erica Jong's Fear of Flying ...

 

 

This scene from a classic episode of I Love Lucy is from a book of pre-paid postcards issued by the US Postal Service a few years ago that honored personalities of classic TV.

 

 

 

How true ...

 

 

It seemed somehow fitting that I found this postcard discarded on a sidewalk.

 

 

Leave it to drag performer Mimi Imfurst to tackle such a controversial role ...

 

 

Any postcard with Joan Crawford on it (or Faye Dunaway as Joan) is guaranteed to elicit a smile from any card-carrying homosexual.

 

 

This card came out shortly after the word "metrosexual" entered the lexicon at the the turn of the 21st century.

 

 

His donning of gay apparel should have been her tip off (this was a Christmas card) ...

 

 

 

From The New Yorker, for the benefit of its BDSM readership.

 

 

Ads from the 1930s and 1940s are a goldmine for campy re-interpretation ...

 

    

 

As Peggy Lee might ask, "Is that all there is to a muscle hunk?"  And I'm sure we all have our own stories of disappointment ...

 

 

After taking her first draw from one of those "funny" cigarettes, her Midwestern virtue went out the window.  Thus began the Bohemian adventures of a ...

 

 

 No doubt fueled by a vodka stinger ...

 

 

Another classic from my favorite card store (RIP).  The flip side of this card identifies the dog walker as "Miss Dish".

 

 

 

If you liked this, you may also enjoy a post in a similar vein:  What Tickles a Gay Man's Funny Bone.

Favoite Quotes from Season 3 of "Downton Abbey" - From a Gay Perspective

Of course, Downton Abbey has been embraced by viewers of all sexual orientations.  However, the witty repartee and subtle putdowns remind me of the gay social whirl of New York.  And the show's dining scenes, whether upstairs or downstairs, brought back vivid memories of meals during summer weekends at the Pines.  With that said, here are some of my favorite lines from Season 3 - and, no, they weren't all said by Maggie Smith's character!  (Since some are based on my memory, they may not be the exact word-by-word quote).

 

"Come war and peace, Downton still stands and the Crawley's are still in it!" - Exclaimed somewhat sarcastically by Cora's American mother (Shirley MacLaine) upon her arrival.

 

 

"Oh, you two are dressed for a barbecue." - Sarcastic remark made by Cora's mother to Robert and Matthew who, because of a wardrobe mix-up, arrived for a soiree in their morning suits rather than black tie.  Shortly thereafter, the dowager countess (Maggie Smith) asks a butler for a drink, only to realize it's Sir Robert.

"My beauty, my baby." - Lady Grantham saying goodbye to Sybil, perhaps one of the most beautifully sad moments of the entire season.

 

 

"Because if we'd listened to him Sybil might still be alive, but your father and Sir Phillip knew better and now she's dead." - Lady Grantham explaining to the family, with barely concealed contempt, why she needs to write an apology to the family doctor who was very concerned about Sybil's condition but his concern went unheeded. 

"You'll make me untidy" - Mary's demur response to Matthew after she had just finished dressing for dinner and a weary Matthew asked her to join him on the bed.

 

 

"Have you changed your pills?" - Matthew's mother to the dowager countess after she surprises her during dinner with an uncharacteristically progressive comment about a woman's role. 

"It seems a pity to miss such a lovely pudding". - The dowager's response to Robert's disrupting the ladies of Downton attending a luncheon at cousin Isobel's home.  He demanded, unsuccessfully, they leave because they were being served by Ethel, who had fallen into prostitution after leaving Downton and bearing a bastard son.

 

 

"You have surrounded this house with a miasma of scandal." - The dowager to Matthew's mother Isobel after she employs former Downton maid Ethel who turned to prostitution after being fired and having a child. Also, Mr. Carson's enunciation of the word "prostitute" was priceless because it was said with such contempt.

"Mr. Carson, I am not foul." - After being berated by Carson, who used the word "foul" to describe Thomas' homosexuality, Thomas turns and says this as he's about to leave the room.

 

 

"My, my - vile and disgusting? Well now, I will have to hear all about it!" - Mrs. Hughes' response to Thomas when he tells her that the act that got him into trouble was too vile and disgusting for her to hear.

"Oh, I didn't realize you were a fan of Mr. Oscar Wilde" - O'Brien to Bates upon discovering why she was invited to the new home of Bates and Anna (so he could talk to her about the Thomas-Jimmy situation).

"Her ladyship's soap."- Bates whispered this to O'Brien in hopes of persuading her to stop Jimmy's intention to go to the police if Carson gives Thomas a decent reference.

 

 

"Criminy, if I screamed blue murder every time a chap at Eton tried to kiss me I'd have been hoarse in a month ..." - Lord Robert to Bates after Bates tells him what happened between Thomas and Jimmy, and how Jimmy and Alfred reacted.

"When you're like me, you have to read the signs best you can, because no one dare to speak out." - Thomas trying to explain to Carson why he thought Jimmy might reciprocate his interest.

 

   

 

"So they say" - Edith's rather dismissive response to her editor's comment about how London society gushed over how lovely Lady Mary looked at her wedding. 

"That's what Sybil would want" - Lady Grantham, Mary and Tom often said this to Robert anytime he was resistant to something they want to do.

 

I'd love to hear your favorite lines as well.

 

 

 

 

"High School Musical" - Don't Ask, Don't Tell (January 20, 2006)

Three years before Glee there was High School Musical, a wildly popular TV musical that aired on the Disney Channel on the evening of Jan. 20, 2006.  Instead of a glee club struggling with an inferiority complex, HSM revolved around a somewhat pretentious Musical Theater class.  And although the subject was never broached it's all but certain that the student named Ryan (played by Lucas Grabeel, pictured with Ashley Tisdale) was gay since he had musical theater running through his veins.  This "don't ask, don't tell" approach held sway for the next two HSM movies as well.  Although a bit dim, Ryan was a good egg who had to put up with his diva twin sister Sharpay (pronounced like the breed of dog).

 

This being a candy coated Disney fantasy world filled with smiling and fresh-scrubbed faces, Ryan was never harassed.  In fact, every clique in school co-existed harmoniously.  In keeping with this dream world, the most sensitive boy in school was also the most popular, basketball star Troy Bolton, played by Zac Efron (and at 5'10", probably the shortest basketball superstar in history).   

 

 

 

I didn't catch the movie when it first aired, but during the summer I rented it to see what the buzz was about - and I was captivated.  I especially liked the number Stick to the Status Quo, which charmingly depicted the turmoil created when kids like Troy don't follow their assigned social role.  Inspired by Troy's example, other kids reveal their secret passions, e.g. a jock interested in baking, the math whiz passionate for hip-hop.  Ryan, however, was not part of these "outings".  

 

 

In the sequel we'd discover that Ryan once played baseball and taught the jocks a thing or two (oh, I bet he did - wink, wink).  The movie had lots of gay subtext ripe for exploitation (by Michael Lucas perhaps?).  Personally, I think Ryan was used as a distraction to divert attention from the bromance between Troy and his best bud Chad (pictured, left).  In fact, whenever they bickered their faces would get so close it seemed that a passionate kiss was imminent.  Sure, both had girlfriends, but ... 

 

 

High School Musical was a smash hit as was its two sequels (the last one was a theatrical release).  Besides "tween" girls it also had much to offer gay viewers (of all ages), i.e. musical numbers, intricate choreography, a host of cute boys, a kinda hot basketball coach (played by Bart Johnson, pictured), a diva and, of course, Ryan.  HSM paved the way for Fox's introduction of Glee, a primetime series with musical numbers and a very out gay character.  However, I was never a fan of the show (although I've purchased some of its music on iTunes) - too much angst and gay Kurt gave me the willies (as did the female football coach). 

 

 

 

What Tickles a Gay Man's Funny Bone

I've written a number of posts about magazine ads that I've found titillating, so for a change of pace I decided to share another aspect of a gay man's world view by delving into the gay funny bone.  What follows is a selection of ads, post cards and pages torn from magazines that make me chuckle.  Absurd, campy, a touch mean-spirited - they all bring a smile of delight to my face.

 

• Below is a fine characterture of the gals from Sex & the City that appeared in the pages of The New Yorker at the time of the release of the second SAC movie.  I laughed for days.  (Actually, Sarah Jessica Parker's character Carrie looks pretty good.)

 

 

• Quintessential sophomoric humor from National Lampoon in the late 1970s. 

 

 

• South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker were good sports when they allowed the tables to be turned on them for this Absolut ad.  This was years before their Book of Mormon fame.

 

 

• Just as they do with drag names, gay men have a knack for coming up with campy captions to accompany innocent photos from a more innocent time.  

 

 

 

• Joan Crawford + Madonna + Cher = laff riot!  This page was pulled from an issue in Movieline Magazine in the 1990s.  Joan is on the phone from heaven and says, "Madonna has no class and no dignity," declares Joan Crawford from the afterlife.  "And that Cher!  She dressses like a burlesque queen."

 

 

• This cover of TimeOutNY was years before same-sex marriage was legalized in New York State.  The Canadian comedy troupe Kids in the Hall were great in everything they did, and drag was one of there specialties.  Their show first aired in the U.S. in the 1990s on Comedy Central.

 

 

• This ad for the club Limelight, a former church on 6th Avenue and 20th Street, is from the mid-80s.  It had a gay night on Sunday.  This is probably more amusing if you're not overly religious.

 

 

• If you want something more authentic for your Halloween costume than what you can find in the bargain stores on West 14th Street, there's the Museum Replicas catalog to consider. 

 

  

 

• Finally, two more post cards:

 

 

 

 

How Gay Are You? A Checklist to Review

So you're attracted to men, but how "gay" are you really?  It's more than just what you do between the sheets.  To help you determine the degree of your gayness, I've drawn up a check list of what you need to know or do, at minimum, to be a card-carrying, rainbow-flag-flying homo in good standing ...

 

 

• It's an absolute must that you know the correct spelling of Barbra's, Liza's and Katharine Hepburn's first names.

 

 

• Upon hearing the opening notes of Dancing Queen you stop what you're doing and rush onto the dance floor (bonus points for squealing with delight).

• T-shirts or polo shirts should fit snugly.  Being able to see a slight impression of your nipples through the fabric is the aim.  Remember, fit takes precedence over comfort.

• If you walk into the middle of a conversation in which your friends are chatting about pitchers and catchers, don't be discouraged if you're not a sports fan because chances are they're not talking about baseball.

 

 

• Vanity Fair is preferred over People.

• You're able to while away the hours with your friends thinking up drag names (without using the formula that's largely for the amusement of heterosexuals).  Sipping a cocktail or two enhances the experience.

• You put considerable thought into what you're going to wear at the gym, including briefs, which are important for your locker room striptease.  Lastly, a stylish gym bag is de rigueur.

 

 

• Upon hearing the name Adam Sandler your facial expression involuntarily becomes one of disdain.

• You can name at least three male figure skaters.

• You have far too much style and creativity to wear a t-shirt that merely says "Abercrombie & Fitch" or "JP Morgan Corporate Challenge".

• You can recite at least one line of dialogue from each of the following movies: The Women; All About Eve; Auntie Mame; Valley of the Dolls; and Mommie Dearest.

 

 

• You know the U.S. states in which same-sex marriage is legal.

• Give Sondheim a listen.  Like nipple play, his work is an acquired taste - but it can be very satisfying.

• Rather than "What would Jesus do?" you ask "What would Martha do?

 

 

 

• You don't put "clothes" on, you put on an "outfit".

• You're familiar with the following acronyms: HRC, LLDEF, BDSM, PFLAG, AMFAR, CBT, GLAAD, VGL.

• Finally, Brazilians = TROUBLE

 

        

Celebrating 120 Years of Crisco

 

 

Crisco shortening was introduced by Procter & Gamble on Aug. 15, 1911.  Made from vegetable oil, it was an improvement over using lard for cooking, and helped housewives get better results with their baking.  It was especially celebrated for the flaky pie crusts it produced.  However, some gay men use it for an entirely different purpose - as a lubricant for "fisting".  (When Crisco was introduced in smaller containers, the joke was that this convenient size was sold only in New York and San Francisco.)  In 2002, P&G sold the brand to the J.M. Smucker Company.     

 

 

And that's not the only connection Crisco has to the gay world.  Nearly 40 years ago there was a popular gay disco located in New York's Meatpacking District called Crisco Disco.  A large Crisco Can served as a DJ booth (pictured, above), which comfortably fit up to ten people.  More recently, gay clubs in Tampa and Venice Beach have held weekly "Crisco Disco" nights, when classic disco is played.  Then there was the peculiar disco-oriented album released in 1977 by poet Rod McKuen called Slide ... Easy In.  Because of the album's cover art, many in gay circles referred to it as the "Crisco Disco album".

 

 

So, in closing, if you innocently mention Crisco in a social gathering or at a business presentation and hear snickering, there's a good chance that some gay men are in your midst. 

 

 

Summer Olympics: Why Male Divers Are Sexier Than Swimmers

In my estimation, nothing beats divers for sex appeal.  Not to denigrate the skill of swimmers, but there's no comparison.  With extra attention given to these aquatic competitions in an Olympics year, here's why I have a soft spot (that grows hard) for the divers: 

 

 

• Body Hair - This is the biggest point in divers' favor.  It's such a pity that swimmers purposely shave off their manliness to look like greyhounds with goggles while divers show off their treasure trails, pit hair, tufts on their pecs.

 

 

• Form - With their spins and twirls, diving competitions are akin to those of figure skaters or performances by ballet dancers.  And divers' techniques and muscle movement aren't concealed beneath kicked up water.

 

    

 

• The Shower - It's become a highly anticipated part of each diver's post-dive ritual and should be its own competition, or at least be incorporated into the judge's scoring.  May I also suggest a slow-motion replay?

 

 

• Facial Expressions - This gives an idea of what each diver's moment of orgasm looks like.

 

 

• The Splash - Commentators make a fuss over each diver's entry into the water and how much of a splash it makes.  For me it evokes the act of penetration.

 

 

• Speedos on Parade! - Especially enthralling when they're shown in action as each diver bounds down the diving platform toward the camera.

 

  

 

• Drama! - Scores are more subjective and take a while longer to be announced while swimming medals are determined at an instant by the cold, sterile clock.

 

• Greg Louganis, Matt Mitcham & Tom Daley - Three openly gay gold medal winners.  (Daley came out the year following the 2012 Olympics.) And extra points go to Mitcham for being the only of the three who was out before he won his gold (at the 2008 Games in Beijing). 

 

And then, of course, there are the gymnasts, but a debate over the sexy attributes of their competitions versus divers will have to wait for another day ... 

 

 

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