One Dad At A Time

Ok, Mackenzie Phillips, it's your turn.  You can add your name to the list of celebrities who come out with deep dark secrets to sell a book. 

Sorry about Dad.  I really hope it's not true.  If it is, I'm not that shocked, truthfully.  All the Mamas and Papas were freaks.  It was the 60s/70s.  Drugs, hippies and movies like Pretty Baby and Lolita were box office hits.

 

Lolita 1962

The confession that really gets me is Mick Jagger.  Have you seen the chicks Mich Jagger bedded?  I hate to break the news Julie Cooper, you're not all that.

 

And can someone tell me what's on Oprah's mind?  Bad enough she dedicated 2 shows to the woman who coined the phrase "Crack is Whack".  Now if my memory serves me, Mackenzie swore up and down during that interview that she was no longer doing drugs.  She was then arrested in the airport on drug charges.   

Mackenzie Phillips Arrested

Hey Oprah- remember your book club recommendation in 2005?  How'd that work out for you?  Will you continue to give air time to people who are capable of telling a Million Little Lies?

 

James Frey

I CANNOT Curb My Enthusiasm

Nor will I ever for Larry David and the next 10 epsiodes (yes, my friends, only 10 this season which upsets me) of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Talk about taking it to the next level.  I have to admit that my jaw dropped when, after the show (which I watched on Monday night on one of the 235 HBO channels I have due to the Emmys) I sat back and really thought about all those "Oh no you didn't" moments sprinkled throughout the show.

First of all, I need to name something or someone in my life Bam Bam Funkhouser.  It is the BEST character name to come across any show since Token on South Park.

I've decided to compile a list of topics that I will discuss with friends, neighbors and countrymen, if they will lend me their ears:

• Is there ever a right time to break up with someone who is sick?  Mentally sick, yes, that should be asap.  But I'm asking about those physically sick.
• Proper household temperatures for white people vs. black people.  Maybe Jimmy Carter can weigh in on this one.  Sharpton?  I'll take Rush Limbaugh for $300 Alex.
• Is a fish a pet?  I have one and pay it no mind.  I also have a bird.  None can be hugged, squeezed and neither are named George. 

  

  (Hugo the Abominable Snowman)

• Are apricots too small to be counted as the recommended daily allowance of fruit?
• Who's coming to your dinner party?  What's in your refrigerator? What's in your wallet?
• Should you tell someone who's gay that they don't look gay?  Do people really look gay?

 

• Is it bad to use someone else's name to get a dinner reservation?

And poor Bam Bam- I can name at least 20 people on my Facebook friend list who have had sex with a mental patient.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Truthfully, all I really care about is the Seinfeld reunion. I liked that Larry bumped into Cheryl. I liked that Cheryl missed only the Larry that was running Seinfeld.  I sort of miss that Larry too, but I think I like this Larry better.

2009 Emmys- How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways..............

1. Seal cannot keep his hands off Heidi Klum.  She's preggers again!?!?!
2. Neil Patrick Harris was the best host ever!  Who else could have rhymed boob tube with Tony Shaloub?
3. It only took four minutes for the Kanye West jokes to start.
4. Kristin Chenowith sucked helium before her acceptance speech. Kristin Chenowith Acceptance Speech And I love that she shamelessly asked for a job. 
5. Jimmy Fallon.  LOL.  Jimmy Fallon Ready to Party
6. YAY Duckie! I will never forget your Otis performance in Pretty in Pink.  Duckie's Otis Impression

   

   Not sure he should have worn a bumble bee vest.   Hope Kevin Dillon didn't beat you in the parking lot. Jon Cryer Acceptance Speech

   

7. Sarah Silverman's mustache.  
8. Leighton Meister's terry cloth gown.
9. All the great lines: Tina Fey thanking NBC for keeping "30 Rock" on the air despite being "so much more expensive than a talk show." . . . Presenter Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "I'm honored to be presenting on the last official year of network broadcast television." . . . Ken Howard (Supporting actor in a Movie/Miniseries) said, he'll "try to keep his speech brief so he won't be interrupted by a congressman or rapper."
10. NPH's silly credits (for Rob Lowe: You know him as Charles Elderberry from the ABC After School Special) and Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog Dr Horrible on the Emmys

One question- why was everyone breathing so heavy?  Did all the winners have to run down to accept from the very last row, or were the Emmys secretly held in Vail, CO so Kanye couldn't find it?

Shohreh Aghdashloo

Glenn Close

Countdown to the Mad Men Fest………

I am getting ready for my favorite night of the year!  The 2009 PrimeTime Emmys airs tonight at 8pm on CBS.  I am having some of my closest friends and fellow self proclaimed TV critics over for some Veuve Cliquot and pigs in the blanket (with Grey Poupon of course)

So here’s my wish list for tonight’s 2009 Primetime Emmys :

• Mad Men cleans up the drama categories in an almost Sopranos kind of way- If Rescue Me made it to the best drama category I would have a hard time even writing this.
• As far as best actor in a Drama series, Don Draper is no actor- (No offense Jon Hamm- if I still bought magazines with posters in them you’d be on my wall) I could see the voters give it to another AMC original series actor (Bryan Cranston- Breaking Bad) but my pick would be Michael C. Hall all the way.
• Elizabeth Moss’ character on Mad Men is freakish and that will always win in my book as you can see from my best actor pick. Isn’t it weird that the most of the nominees in the Best Actress in a Drama series consists of ex movie stars? Cable- where your movie career goes to die.
• I Iove you Liz Lemon, but you are becoming the Ellen of the Primetime Emmys. Hope Family Guy gets some recognition for series and Mary Louise for Weeds. (Secretly I’d like to see Sarah Silverman make the great schlep from the 15th row up to accept one of these) (The Great Schlep )
• I love Alec Baldwin- so he wins, even if he doesn’t
• I have no feeling either way on any supporting categories- but I do want Kristen Wig and her drunken Kathie Lee, (recent Madonna) and Ed Sullivan tiny hands to win ! (Kristin Wig )
• Guest actor in a comedy is one of my favorite categories and should seriously be anyone from 30 Rock, but Justin Timberlake is in this category, and I love him, so he wins. He seriously gives Alec Baldwin some competition as best recurring SNL host.
• Now Tina Fey should NOT win an Emmy for going back to her old job. Elaine Stritch all the way!
• Saw Carol Burnett on L&O last night, and it just didn’t do it for me. None of the L&O guests do.
• Writing for Comedy- Daily Show
• Writing for Drama- Mad Men
• Writing for Comedy Series- How can you put all of these guys from 30 Rock up against each other?
• Everyone should win in the Variety, Music or Comedy Special
• Family Guy all the way for Best Comedy Series.  And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Family Guy- Brian's Emmy Vote

Here’s how I’d like to see next year’s Emmys go:

• There should be no REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM- even though I sit around waiting for someone to create an Idol Fantasy League.
• The mini-series category gets bigger and bigger. I miss the time when there was no DVR and nothing else mattered but 5 nights of Roots, The Thorn Birds, Band of Brothers, Angels in America!?!?!

  

• Give Rescue Me a shot at something! Please. Before it goes away in 2010.

Stay tuned for my recap at some obscene time in the wee hours of Monday morning.

 

 

Another Day, Another Kelsey Grammer Sitcom

Has anyone told ABC that sitcom stars do not have nine lives?  Bringing back “some of the most beloved television stars” for new shows is not considered retro, just so you know.  

  

Patricia Heaton, known for playing Ray Romano’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, was good at that role.  She made you feel sorry for Ray, as you should.  He had to pretend to be married to her and that was just as hard as the real thing.  She tried to recoup her career with “Back to You” alongside Kelsey Grammer (who is also on ABC's payroll this Fall) and we all know what happened to that show    But ABC gave her a job. 

Hey alphabet network, 10% of the US is out of work- got anything for them?

But none of the above was as bad as Mrs Ray Barone's recent attempt to do math on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.  Even Reeg was annoyed. ( Patricia Heaton on Who Wants to be a Millionaire )Maybe she should have tried “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

Kelsey Grammer will star in “Hank”, leading in to Heaton’s “The Middle” on Wednesday nights starting Sept 30th.  One thing I find most unsettling about this is the fact that he is playing a married father of two.  Kelsey does not do married well.  He was never married on his two most successful gigs, so why start now?  (FYI- Back in 2008, Grammer claimed his heart attack was the reason ‘Back to You” failed .  I’d be pissed if I was Heaton )  http://www.theinsider.com/news/1093309_Kelsey_Grammer_blames_his_failed_TV_sitcom_for_his_heart_attack

I cannot even find the strength to write about Courtney Cox and Cougar Town.  Hits too close to home for me on many levels.  (I’m ferklempt now) 

  Coffee Talk

I have an idea ABC! If these new shows don’t work out for you I'm sure you can get your hands on John Laroquette, Jimmy Baio, Robert Guillaume or Ed O’Neill.  Oh wait.  You already signed Al Bundy?  His sitcom starts this Wednesday?  My bad.  Guess there's hope for someone from the A-Team, even in this economy.

 

Celebrity Death Match- Tomorrow on the View

Kate Gosselin vs. Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin is hilarious.  Sometimes shocking, always offensive, she has made Kate her prime target since the tabloids gave the Gosselins the space Britney and K-Fed used to occupy. 

Kathy Griffin's movie trailer on Jimmy Kimmel Live  (Kate is Enough ) was a comedy bit that played more like an expose to me.  And I love that in her opening monologue as host of the Creative Arts Primetime Emmys, Kathy joked about getting intimate with Jon Gosselin.  Why not Kathy? Everyone else has.

Supposedly Kate is going to confront Kathy for always making fun of her, tomorrow on The View.  This I have to see!

Gosselin and her husband, Jon, will be divorced by the end of this month....thank God!  I am hoping she has nothing left to talk about once that happens.  I am so done with them.

Bottom line, I want in on the action.  I want to biff the people at Telepictures for even entertaining a talk show with Kate as host.  "Mom Logic" will contain a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip geared toward moms and moms-to-be. What's worse? Paula Deen is the co-host!  Advice from Paula?  A woman who makes fried butter balls, exploits her adult male children and treats her husband like crap on public TV?  Wait!  It's a match made in Jerry Springer heaven.  Maybe Paula can show Kate the real purpose of a turkey baster.  Get ready, Y'all!

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Stories Too Many

Just when I thought I couldn't hate The View more, Kate Gosselin is  guest hosting, and sometimes sitting in Barbara's throne this week.  And that's not all (said in Vince "ShamWow" Shlomi voice).  She has a new hairdo!   

I really think this story got more coverage than the fact that Jimmy Carter has way outlived his usefulness.

July 24, 2009: Remember when Kate took off her wedding band?  More people knew that than knew about Sarah Palin resigning (Yes,I checked and I was very happy for the Alaskans)

July 13, 2009: OMG!!!! Jon Gosselin smokes cigarettes!  Guess what brand?  Yes! You're right! Marlboro!  I hope Jay Leno keeps up his segment where he asks passersby questions to see who could name the then prospective, and first Hispanic, supreme court justice. 

Not sure whose fault this is. 

Probably the news outlets.  Definitely some of us.  Harvey Levin, maybe?

Or people like Lizzy Grubman, who have not only provided useless fodder for the masses themselves, but take up more news space partnering with people who plan to make a swimsuit line by Slap Chop-ing the ShamWow.

A Moment of Silence for the Tuesday Primetime Lineup

A moment of silence for what was broadcast TV on a Tuesday night.

Tonight one can take their pick of Big Brother 11 (because they just couldn't stop at 10), the Biggest Loser (which is not a reality show about the person who watches), More to Love (a show that would be cancelled out by the Biggest Loser if they did a spinoff show like the Real World/Road Rules challenge) Shaq vs. Phelps (insert LOL here).

Now let me take you back, back in time.

1980s: Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Too Close for Comfort, Hart to Hart, White Shaddow, BJ and the Bear and usually a movie you didn't have to pay $5 to see.

1990s: Started the decade with shows like The Wonder Years and Thirtysomething.  How about a Thirtysomething reunion people?  We could call it Fiftysomething.  But God, I do miss The Wonder Years.

2000s: I had hope in the beginning.  Spin City, 24, Ally McBeal, 7th Heaven, Will & Grace.  Then came Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and I was reminded how much I loved going to Blockbuster and looking over the counter to see what was returned.

Props to my DVR.  You never let me down.  I couldn't watch Mad Men on Sunday because of the VMAs, so I'm doing it now.

And sewing the letter L on all my sweaters in memoriam.

Yes, It WAS Rude, Kanye

Ok

So maybe Jay Leno is the place where celebrities go to apologize.  Remember when Hugh Grant told Leno how sorry he was when he was caught in a compromising position with a prostitute?

Kanye didn't say much more to Leno than he did on his blog, twice.  It was rude, yes, you should apologize in person and no one will miss you if you take some time off to reflect about why you do what you do on the VMAs, Grammys and American Music Awards.

Jay's daily primetime show, which may not need ratings help considering all the interest in the premiere, may have just set itself up as the place for apologetic celebrities- way before Conan can get them.  Maybe Joe Wilson and Chris Brown are next on Jay's couch.

Either way- good job Jay.  Looking forward to more.

Kanye: Set-up? Well was it MTV or Leno?

So I'm halfway through The Jay Leno Show on NBC and then it hit me!

Buzz this morning after the MTV Video Music Awards was that the Kanye/Swift incident was set-up by MTV.  I'm thinking it's a coup de main a la Jay.

Think about it.

It's genius.

I'll let you know after the interview.

Coming on now!