Kate Plus 10: Dancing with Studpity

Some of my loyal followers may know my feelings towards that woman who became famous for giving birth and mocking her husband on national TV. 

For those of you who don't, what kind of douchebaggery is this that makes Kate Gosselin get more press for being on DWTS than an 80 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LANDED ON THE MOON???? Hasn't the world seen enough of Kate?   

DWTS, while it amazes me that these people actually work their butts off to learn these insane dance moves,  is still the place where has-beens go as a pre-requisite to another reality show (Yes, Jake the Bachelor- there may be hope for you) 

Even that 'Weird Science' project, Pamela Anderson, who's most compelling work was a sex tape, acknowledges that this is her last ditch effort to resurrect her career.  Would someone please tell Shannon Doherty?  She's like dust.  She always comes back.

Tea for Two.  Tap, Tap, Tap.

Oscar, the Anti-Christ and ABC

It's the countdown to the Oscars and I'm getting my tiara ready. 

I'm thankful that I thought better than to try and see all 10 nominated movies in the theatres for the following reasons:

• I would have spent at least $107.50 on movies tickets
• I would have spent double that on popcorn, soda and Skittles
• I would have gained at least 4 pounds
• I would still secretly hold the hope that George Clooney would win for Best Actor and there would still be a chance for Hangover to get nominated for Best Picture
• I wish there was a category for "Why Did I Waste My Money on this Movie" category.  Valentine's Day would win hands down.  (The fact that I went to go see it alone on the weekend of Valentine's Day did not help it's chances of surviving according to this critic)

But that ain't happening.

I am thrilled that Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are hosting.  They were hysterical in a very under the radar, funny movie I saw by myself in Menlo Park Mall called It's Complicated. (Do I see a pattern here?  Me.  Movies. Alone?)  BUT WILL I BE ABLE TO WATCH IT?????????

Cablevision is the anti-Christ and ABC sucks (mainly because it airs The Bachelor).  Besides the fact that I can't get the song "Deja Vu" out of my head (remember Food Network and HGTV?) I now know what it feels like those few seconds when the presenters say "And the Oscar goes to....." 

Please, please, please Corporate Giants who make more money than God and McDonald's, please play nice in the sandbox, or cable-box,  and don't let my Oscar viewing party be an E! empty red carpet viewing party!

SNL: Some New Ladies

Meet Jenny Slate.  She is the newest castmember to join SNL as they celebrate 35 years on the air.  And she dropped the F-Bomb!  Classic!  Don't worry Jenny, I know how you feel.  I do it all the time.

The F-Bomb Live

If you are into funny sites and video on the internet as much as moi, you may know Jenny from the Brooklyn based, platonic friend writing duo Gabe and Jenny. (Gabe and Jenny website) Check out The Girlfriend video.  It's hilarious!

The Girlfriend

Nasim Pedrad also joined the cast this season.  I'm not sure what to make of her yet.  She wasn't in the show that much (unlike Kristen Wig who was in pretty much every sketch).  I do know Ms. Pedrad didn't use any expletives.  Here's a short list of some other people who did on live television:

• Sue Simmons in 2008 right after she thought they went to break
• Joe Scarborough on Morning Joe while discussing the Obama campaign
• Shaq talking to a reporter in 2006
• Jerry Lewis- yes- at the telethon- in 2007

Oh, by the way, Megan Fox was host.  I bet Lorne Michaels had no clue when he booked her that "Jennifer's Body" would drop an f-bomb as well, but this time it was at the box office.

One Dad At A Time

Ok, Mackenzie Phillips, it's your turn.  You can add your name to the list of celebrities who come out with deep dark secrets to sell a book. 

Sorry about Dad.  I really hope it's not true.  If it is, I'm not that shocked, truthfully.  All the Mamas and Papas were freaks.  It was the 60s/70s.  Drugs, hippies and movies like Pretty Baby and Lolita were box office hits.

 

Lolita 1962

The confession that really gets me is Mick Jagger.  Have you seen the chicks Mich Jagger bedded?  I hate to break the news Julie Cooper, you're not all that.

 

And can someone tell me what's on Oprah's mind?  Bad enough she dedicated 2 shows to the woman who coined the phrase "Crack is Whack".  Now if my memory serves me, Mackenzie swore up and down during that interview that she was no longer doing drugs.  She was then arrested in the airport on drug charges.   

Mackenzie Phillips Arrested

Hey Oprah- remember your book club recommendation in 2005?  How'd that work out for you?  Will you continue to give air time to people who are capable of telling a Million Little Lies?

 

James Frey

Another Day, Another Kelsey Grammer Sitcom

Has anyone told ABC that sitcom stars do not have nine lives?  Bringing back “some of the most beloved television stars” for new shows is not considered retro, just so you know.  

  

Patricia Heaton, known for playing Ray Romano’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, was good at that role.  She made you feel sorry for Ray, as you should.  He had to pretend to be married to her and that was just as hard as the real thing.  She tried to recoup her career with “Back to You” alongside Kelsey Grammer (who is also on ABC's payroll this Fall) and we all know what happened to that show    But ABC gave her a job. 

Hey alphabet network, 10% of the US is out of work- got anything for them?

But none of the above was as bad as Mrs Ray Barone's recent attempt to do math on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.  Even Reeg was annoyed. ( Patricia Heaton on Who Wants to be a Millionaire )Maybe she should have tried “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

Kelsey Grammer will star in “Hank”, leading in to Heaton’s “The Middle” on Wednesday nights starting Sept 30th.  One thing I find most unsettling about this is the fact that he is playing a married father of two.  Kelsey does not do married well.  He was never married on his two most successful gigs, so why start now?  (FYI- Back in 2008, Grammer claimed his heart attack was the reason ‘Back to You” failed .  I’d be pissed if I was Heaton )  http://www.theinsider.com/news/1093309_Kelsey_Grammer_blames_his_failed_TV_sitcom_for_his_heart_attack

I cannot even find the strength to write about Courtney Cox and Cougar Town.  Hits too close to home for me on many levels.  (I’m ferklempt now) 

  Coffee Talk

I have an idea ABC! If these new shows don’t work out for you I'm sure you can get your hands on John Laroquette, Jimmy Baio, Robert Guillaume or Ed O’Neill.  Oh wait.  You already signed Al Bundy?  His sitcom starts this Wednesday?  My bad.  Guess there's hope for someone from the A-Team, even in this economy.

 

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Stories Too Many

Just when I thought I couldn't hate The View more, Kate Gosselin is  guest hosting, and sometimes sitting in Barbara's throne this week.  And that's not all (said in Vince "ShamWow" Shlomi voice).  She has a new hairdo!   

I really think this story got more coverage than the fact that Jimmy Carter has way outlived his usefulness.

July 24, 2009: Remember when Kate took off her wedding band?  More people knew that than knew about Sarah Palin resigning (Yes,I checked and I was very happy for the Alaskans)

July 13, 2009: OMG!!!! Jon Gosselin smokes cigarettes!  Guess what brand?  Yes! You're right! Marlboro!  I hope Jay Leno keeps up his segment where he asks passersby questions to see who could name the then prospective, and first Hispanic, supreme court justice. 

Not sure whose fault this is. 

Probably the news outlets.  Definitely some of us.  Harvey Levin, maybe?

Or people like Lizzy Grubman, who have not only provided useless fodder for the masses themselves, but take up more news space partnering with people who plan to make a swimsuit line by Slap Chop-ing the ShamWow.