AMAs- My Favorite Award Show That's Not About Awards

It's about the performances.

Truthfully, I have no idea who won except that Taylor Swift beat Michael Jackson.  I am done with her now.  She gets filed under Miley. 

But I have some questions:

• What was Janet wearing?  Bad enough she lip synched (because I am convinced after the VMAs she thinks she's too cool to sing) But why did she dress like Bubble's trainer?

  

• Who is Gloriana?  Can I meet the 23 people who chose them as breakout artist of the year?
• Do you think Alicia Keys and Jay Z are knocking boots?  Their onstage chemistry is amazing.

• Adam Glambert kissed a boy.  Did he like it?
• Keith Urban's performance of "Kiss a Girl" - a recommendation to Glamberace?

• Was it really just a week ago that Carrie Underwood performed the same song on the CMAs?  Time flies when you're drinking Veuve.
• Where's Lady Gaga's fake blood?
• Don't you think Mary J should have sung No More Drama to Whitney?

 

And no that wasn't 6.0 on the Richter scale.  That was JLo's fat butt hitting the stage because her Louboutins couldn't hold it up (both the song and the shoes).  Gimme a pair.  I'll show you how it's done. I had high hopes for her as she used the boxer back up dancers as steps.  Then boom.  LOL.  She needs to stay home.  She cannot compete with Lady Gaga and Fergie.  (Video: J.Lo Go Boom Boom Pow)

Even Marc Anthony looked more sick than his usual gaunt self.

All I know is that I'm happy that the AMAs officially kicked off the music season.  Bring on the Grammy Nominations (and don't tell Kanye)

CMAs: A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll

Remember when Billy Ray Cyrus,not his daughter Miley, Hannah, whatever, was the face of country music?

Yeah, me too.  Women went nuts over Billy Ray in the 90s.  And everyone danced the most ridiculous dance ever created since the Electric Slide (Video: Achy Breaky Heart)

Now the worlds have collided.  Miley is a worth a billion, Keith Urban and Brad Paisley do amazing Zeppelin riffs at their concerts, and Dolly Parton was on American Idol last year.   Let me say that again.  Dolly Parton was on American Idol last year.  I have proof.  Look here:  (Video: Dolly Parton: American Idol 2008) Dolly was so bad I was hoping her enormous plastical-augmentations were filled with helium and she floated away.

But seriously folks. Taylor Swift has sold more albums than anyone in 2009 and was phenomenal this passed weekend on Saturday Night Live. Kenny Chesney had the year’s biggest concert tour. And Carrie Underwood will make more TV appearances in the next month than Santa Claus. So far no one does the CMA Red Carpet better than Underwood.  But we'll see tonight.  Hopefully, her dress won't cover the band.
 

Oh and, fingers crossed, no Kanye on board. Giddyup.

McNamara/Troy- Bad Economy, Divorce, Rejuvination and............Matt's a Mime Now?!?!?

I love Rose McGowan but am a little freaked by her new nose.  It's appropos to play Sean's girlfriend on Nip/Tuck, but she was unrecognizable to me and I'm bummed because I would have cast her to play me in the movie of my life.

Rose McGowan recently said that she HAD to have plastic surgery after a piece of glass cut the bottom of her eye open in a car accident. She said that's the only reason why she had plastic surgery. Was the face lift a requirement?  What about the cheek implants?  The nose job?  The boob job?   

Rose should be wondering why Jennifer Grey hasn't made a movie since.........  ?????

Nip/Tuck-  I'll always love you, you crazy ass, psycho drama.  I am sad you must go.
Thank you for Mario Lopez's abs, Kimber being as hilarious as ever, and Matt the Mime.  Yes, Matt  is a mime and mimes freak me out as much as clowns.

I'll miss the very Dali- esque marketing, the meat saws to boobs, carving models' faces up, white supremists, serial killers and drug dealers.  I am as loyal as a puppy and will watch until the final episode when none other than the plastic surgery test dummy Joan Rivers shows up for the final epsiode.

I wonder if, and am hoping that, the season ends similarly to the famous final scene of Six Feet Under. 

(Six Feet Under- The Final Six Minutes Video)

If not, hopefully, Christian and Sean will be able to fix the economy and their failing business with a scalpel, a cleaver, a meat axe, a fork, nunchuks, a blow torch, a turkey baster, a hydrogen bomb and a pooper scooper.

Most Influential Man Of The Year is………….DON DRAPER…………How Cool!?!?

You know he's not real, www.askmen.com, don't you?

But I guess in light of the fact that drinking, smoking and sleeping around is all that is getting press these days it makes sense.

The website says he “represents something about male identity that is enduringly captivating but has nonetheless vanished…a brilliant career man and a temptation-swayed philanderer who sincerely wants to be a family man.” 

Reminds me of another fictional character that may have won if his show was still on the air.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? 

 
Eminem- The Real Slim Shady

They're Back! The Real Housewives of New Jersey

I never thought I could be more excited until I learned that BRAVO is renewing the Real Housewives of New Jersey!!!!!

I must adbmit I wasn't into any of it at all.  The subsequent seasons only midly interested me, although, I read a lot of the press surrounding NeNe and all her drama (yes she was a stripper -plus size I assume, writing a tell-all book, hating everyone and causing trouble as any "head bitch in charge" would do.)  There was no way in hell I would ever watch New York City Housewives because the unmarried, ex-Bridezilla, Martha Stewart Apprentice loser Bethenny Frankel annoys me to the point where I stop speaking coherently.

But one day I was home sick on the Sunday of the NJ finale and got caught up in the all day marathon. I was hooked!

I really believed it to be a redemption from the TV Gods to make up for Sopranos going off the air.

I think each of the wives represents at least someone we know or know of.

Danielle- a divorced, non-Italian with a book and rather large, non-articifial breasts.  It still hasn't been confirmed if she is returning.  She may be sleeping with the fishes.

Jacqueline- Restores faith in the fact that you can be a bar whore and still find someone (very rich) to marry you.

Dina- married to the mob, whose decorating sense did not translate to her brace-faced daughter's stuffed animal ridden room.

Caroline- She scares me so I'd rather not say anything about her.  I cross the street when I see any overweight red heads wearing bling. 

But most of all, I love Teresa.  Not because we share a name.  But because of her bubbs, McMansion and food fighting. 

Teresa vs. Danielle

BTW- most of them had babies over the summer.  So it just proves that no one cares that these gene pools could use a little more chlorine.

Yeah- She Got in My World Wide Pants- But You're Not

Video of Late Night Show Video of Extortion last night

If there could be a playbook on how sex scandals should be handled, David Letterman should write it.  He presented his story on his own terms. He didn't ask for anyone's forgiveness. He simply stated the facts and went on with his business.  And he did it with humor. 

I love David Letterman. He's smooth.

Check out the Top Ten Reasons Why Letterman's Sextortion Scandal Won't Matter

So do you think this Emmy winning producer of 48 hours extorntionist man would do a piece about the story when he gets out of jail and win another Emmy?  Stranger things have been known to happen in this business, right Whitney, MacKenzie, O.J.??????????

SNL: Some New Ladies

Meet Jenny Slate.  She is the newest castmember to join SNL as they celebrate 35 years on the air.  And she dropped the F-Bomb!  Classic!  Don't worry Jenny, I know how you feel.  I do it all the time.

The F-Bomb Live

If you are into funny sites and video on the internet as much as moi, you may know Jenny from the Brooklyn based, platonic friend writing duo Gabe and Jenny. (Gabe and Jenny website) Check out The Girlfriend video.  It's hilarious!

The Girlfriend

Nasim Pedrad also joined the cast this season.  I'm not sure what to make of her yet.  She wasn't in the show that much (unlike Kristen Wig who was in pretty much every sketch).  I do know Ms. Pedrad didn't use any expletives.  Here's a short list of some other people who did on live television:

• Sue Simmons in 2008 right after she thought they went to break
• Joe Scarborough on Morning Joe while discussing the Obama campaign
• Shaq talking to a reporter in 2006
• Jerry Lewis- yes- at the telethon- in 2007

Oh, by the way, Megan Fox was host.  I bet Lorne Michaels had no clue when he booked her that "Jennifer's Body" would drop an f-bomb as well, but this time it was at the box office.

Is There A Doctor in the House?

Of course there is- us!.  Well,  with all the hospital, doctor, plastic surgery shows on TV this season you can become one yourself.

Because I am geeky, and I love math (which is a common side effect of the aforementioned malady) I took time out from peeling grapes to figure it out. 

 The total: A LOT. 

In Primetime we have House, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Scrubs, Three Rivers, Mercy, Day One, Nip/Tuck (my sick and twisted guilty pleasure premiering on Oct 14th), Hawthorne, and Trauma (LOL)

And daytime is jumping on the band gurney with another Oprah spin-off- Dr Oz, The Doctors (whoever they are) , Dr. Phil - who is the Wal-mart of psychotherapy, and of course General Hospital (did Luke marry Laura again?)

I have a question:

Why would NBC repeat Trauma on Saturday nights?  I watched 7 minutes of it and I felt the need to call an EMT myself.  And when I did I prayed I wouldn't get one of the incompetent actors playing  an incompetent EMT.  I wish I had Hawkeye or Doogie. 

  

I think the show may have 'jumped the shark" even before it could rerun on Saturday on NBC.  Better to jump it than get eaten by one- because if one of those EMTs from Trauma showed up you'd be as good as dead.

One Dad At A Time

Ok, Mackenzie Phillips, it's your turn.  You can add your name to the list of celebrities who come out with deep dark secrets to sell a book. 

Sorry about Dad.  I really hope it's not true.  If it is, I'm not that shocked, truthfully.  All the Mamas and Papas were freaks.  It was the 60s/70s.  Drugs, hippies and movies like Pretty Baby and Lolita were box office hits.

 

Lolita 1962

The confession that really gets me is Mick Jagger.  Have you seen the chicks Mich Jagger bedded?  I hate to break the news Julie Cooper, you're not all that.

 

And can someone tell me what's on Oprah's mind?  Bad enough she dedicated 2 shows to the woman who coined the phrase "Crack is Whack".  Now if my memory serves me, Mackenzie swore up and down during that interview that she was no longer doing drugs.  She was then arrested in the airport on drug charges.   

Mackenzie Phillips Arrested

Hey Oprah- remember your book club recommendation in 2005?  How'd that work out for you?  Will you continue to give air time to people who are capable of telling a Million Little Lies?

 

James Frey

I CANNOT Curb My Enthusiasm

Nor will I ever for Larry David and the next 10 epsiodes (yes, my friends, only 10 this season which upsets me) of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Talk about taking it to the next level.  I have to admit that my jaw dropped when, after the show (which I watched on Monday night on one of the 235 HBO channels I have due to the Emmys) I sat back and really thought about all those "Oh no you didn't" moments sprinkled throughout the show.

First of all, I need to name something or someone in my life Bam Bam Funkhouser.  It is the BEST character name to come across any show since Token on South Park.

I've decided to compile a list of topics that I will discuss with friends, neighbors and countrymen, if they will lend me their ears:

• Is there ever a right time to break up with someone who is sick?  Mentally sick, yes, that should be asap.  But I'm asking about those physically sick.
• Proper household temperatures for white people vs. black people.  Maybe Jimmy Carter can weigh in on this one.  Sharpton?  I'll take Rush Limbaugh for $300 Alex.
• Is a fish a pet?  I have one and pay it no mind.  I also have a bird.  None can be hugged, squeezed and neither are named George. 

  

  (Hugo the Abominable Snowman)

• Are apricots too small to be counted as the recommended daily allowance of fruit?
• Who's coming to your dinner party?  What's in your refrigerator? What's in your wallet?
• Should you tell someone who's gay that they don't look gay?  Do people really look gay?

 

• Is it bad to use someone else's name to get a dinner reservation?

And poor Bam Bam- I can name at least 20 people on my Facebook friend list who have had sex with a mental patient.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Truthfully, all I really care about is the Seinfeld reunion. I liked that Larry bumped into Cheryl. I liked that Cheryl missed only the Larry that was running Seinfeld.  I sort of miss that Larry too, but I think I like this Larry better.